Hair and the Hot Hair Focus Group

Dear Mikayla,

Since cutting my hair shorter and shorter over a year ago, I have become acutely aware of demographic of men that tend to hit on me.

Long Hair = boys my own age

Short Hair = men at least thirty years old

Now, this is nice, I know. I mean, I'll take a little attention wheresoever it may come from. But what IS IT about the young, cute, and available men that makes them want to not hit on me? Is it the fact that my short hair is not quite the distraction my long hair used to be? Is it that these men can now focus on my pleasantly plump status, that the older men see this as a means of child-rearing and comfort? Is it that the older men could perhaps be attracted to my sparkling personality, my sassy look, my "woman of herself" aura? Whatever it may be, it is especially creepy to have a thirty-something man hit on me, while I'm working, while his daughter is in tow. How can I appropriately alert this man to the fact that he was getting a drivers' license while I was being squeezed into the world? How can I tell him that while he was getting a divorce, I was getting a learner's permit? How? HOW?!

I can't, really. So I don't. Because he's charming. And he's cute. And right now, I'm in a good mood.

Suck it long hair (which I kind of miss right now),

Allyson

Lynn's Paradise Cafe and Atmosphere

If the train table doesn't excite you, just focus your attention on the leg wall or the photographic artwork Lynn takes herself. My favorite was a fry on a chair.

How to Live a Young and Happy Life

Dear Blog World,

About two and a half weeks ago, Mikayla and I were doing that thing we seem to lo0o0ove to do: watching tv.

Obviously, we were watching a cooking reality show, and on this fated day, the show was ThrowDown! With Bobby Flay.

We were amazed when Bobby Flay was beat by Lynn of Lynn's Paradise Cafe. She won with her famous french toast. It looked delicious! And then we realized, LYNN'S PARADISE CAFE IS IN

LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY!

Suddenly, brilliance struck (don't worry--I'm used to it.)

Louisville, Kentucky is only one and a half hours from Cincinnati. It would be amazing to drive there for breakfast, and soon!

So we did. And it WAS amazing! Louisville ended up being surprisingly lovely, as well. We spent the morning walking down Bardstown Street, popping into quirky vintage shops, record stores, coffee shops, and book stores. The popping was well worth it-- I bought a pair of heart sunglasses and an inappropriate book for my brother's birthday. Lynn's was everything we hoped it would be. Non-greasy food, delicious ingredients, excellent environment, and the famous Bourbon French Toast itself, which we all shared.

And in the words of Zac Efron, "It's official...Louisville is hip as shit."

Here it is, as it was delivered to us. I had to snap this photograph quickly because Mikayla and Zac Efron's forks were seconds away from this plate. Seconds.

This was it immediately following the second I snapped the picture. And it was wellllll worth it.

The battle rages, as ever.

Look at this cute picture of these two people in love. Why are they so in love? Oh, it must be Lynn's! Lynn's Paradise Cafe, the place where all your dreams come true.

They're so happy to be breathing in Lynn's Paradise Atmosphere!

Be careful, Casey! That's Lynn's Paradise Gorilla!

Lynn's Paradise Happy Customers. Have morphed into fruit.

Thanks, Lynn! It's a long drive home, and you're right, I might need a snack.

Sassanati: Things We Love in Cincinnati

Dear Blog World,

Cincinnati is a weird place, true. It is common knowledge, however, that every weird place is weird because it is full of quirky specificity. Such it is with Cincy.

I love really knowing the city I'm living in. Lately, with the adventuresome spirit of my two friends Mikayla and Zac Efron, we've had the opportunity to experience some tasty, delicious Cincinnati.

The Bon Bonerie

in O'Bryonville...

...was charming beyond belief. I met Zac Efron and Mikayla for lunch, and ate bits of the delicious quiche off of their plates. They both had gotten the same meal--a large, healthy, beautiful looking salad, with quiche, and tea cookies. Tea cookies?! How adorable! But of course, the Bon Bonerie is a tea room, with a full bakery right next door! And let me tell you, the bakery is heaven. I love bakeries, anyway (I love artistic baking), and this place is stuffed full of free samples, large cases of cookies and treats, and lovely design wedding cakes.

Be sure to check out the website for full information, and reservations. The tables go quickly in this quaint, little space. http://www.bonbonerie.com/

Slims

in Northside...

...is everything you would want out of a sophisticated, casual evening. Non-fuss, classy--this restaurant exemplified eclectic attitude in a streamlined, comfortable setting. The menus are handwritten and served with a bread basket and a minute date shake. Lovely. The servers were well-versed in the meal selection, and the selections were divine and diverse. For a flat price, a three-course meal was offered, or you could select items a la carte. We went a la carte, ate off of each other's plates, and were well-fed and happy.

Call ahead for reservations, simply because everyone else will, and you want to secure that table first. http://slimsrestaurant.com/

Adios, Mikayla!

Dear Blog World, Mikayla heads out for vacation for a week. There are two options here. She either A) writes many, many hilarious posts about her week in solitude. Or B) writes nothing.

Mikayla! Enjoy your time off!

Love,
Allyson

Oh, How the Times have Changed

Dear Mikayla,

Do you ever look at modern advertising and think, "What the hell were they thinking?" I sure have. Can you imagine being the person to pitch such ideas? Let's talk about the Gilette Women's Shave-Down-There commercials. Those are weird. Or that little puppy that goes to a spa and luxuriates in purple-coordinated products. That kind of makes me want to barf.

Well, a few days ago my BFF from Texas, Mary, sent me this link: http://www.retrocomedy.com/2009/07/15-creepiest-vintage-ads-of-all-time.html

In it was a delightful sassy commented article about how advertising has changed throughout the years. I've taken it upon myself to share these images, and snarkily comment on them myself. Some of the sass is similar--why fix what ain't broke?" Do enjoy.

If my husband promised to spank me every time I didn't "store-test" the coffee, I wouldn't. EVER. Come to think of it, this advertisement was probably incredibly ineffective in the seemingly kinky sex-depraved 1950s.


















Oh NO! Your child has just managed to knock a bathtub on top of himself. Whew, okay, don't worry, he used Pears' Soap. Thank God.





















Oh, yum. This definitely makes me want to eat some meat.


























Ah, the creepy baby. Creepy baby, you could be an entire blogpost by yourself. Creepy babies love rootbeer. Maybe the fact that Root Beer was marketing as a children's drink is what made this child's brand-new teeth shrivel and disappear into a freaky, moderate grin. God, I hope that's all that is wrong.


















Yes. Yes, It is.






















Oh! Family Memories! (This reminds me of my family. Only difference--we don't look like we enjoy each other's company that much.)


Seven to Seventeen! Improper Gun use is appropriate for all ages! *NOTE TO FAMILY* Beware "Daisy..."


Because nothing is better than feasting on the blood of the innocent.
(original comment on link--not my own sass, but still hilarious)

Horray! Obesity was spotted years ago! Too bad nobody handled lack of knowledge in a helpful manner.

Also--if I wanted the free Winter Fashion Book, could I just claim to be chubby? Or does the store employee actually have to call me fat? Thanks, Lane Bryant.

Five Demon Boys in Every Chocolate Bar. Guaranteed.

Because child molestation is always in style.





*Note to BlogWorld. The above is irony. I do not endorse or approve of any of my sass.

Who thought this was a good idea?

Oh, and my all-time favorite: The Woman Rug

Really??

*Again, all sass listed above is sarcasm and irony. I do not want any misconceptions about my views. If you did think I was serious, get over yourself. The end.

Memorial

Dear Mikayla,

Do you remember this girl? She is the "what could have been" of this blog's love life. Leah Watson.

As many of our more astute bloggers may have detected, little Miss Watson is creeping in our tiny blog photo at the top left of our page (wearing my clothes, I shall add.) She does that a lot. Steals things. And she also does not put them back. This is a small component of why our friendship functions the way it does. I spent my entire childhood cleaning house for my seven siblings, and here, an only child, "wonder child," comes around using my make-up, hair products, lotion, food, technology, and personal life experience. When she is done playing with things, she leaves them out, and I clean them up.

Miss Watson is excellent for many other things, as well. The singular time in my life that I was drunk past the point of physical control, Miss Watson sat with me in my bathroom and listened to me cry my little pumping heart out. She has also, on multiple occasions, allowed me to lay around her bedroom and eat off of her plate, mostly without knowing.


She is a great friend for adventure. We spent 18 + hours on a train ride to New York, and ate bagels.

She always wears sunglasses. This is a fact. She's from Colorado, so that makes sense. People from Colorado generally seem to have more money than I do, and are outside a lot. Both of these things denotes constant sunglass-wearing to me.

She indulges my childish impulses.

And she is just as sassy as thig blog requires. Leah Watson, we needed to post about you because you are an important part of our Cincinnati Life. I had this conversation with two women the other day:

Woman 1: (to her friend, Woman 2) Leah! That would look great on you!

Me: Aww! My friend's name is Leah! She's not here anymore, and that makes me miss her a little bit.

(Two women look flustered, make small conversation, and walk away)

It was not until later that I realized they thought you had died. While this is not true yet, we needed to commemorate your face. So, in memoriam, Leah Watson 1989-??