Monday, July 13, 2009

Appropriate Office Food

Dear Mikayla,

What do you consider appropriate office food? How about this lovely, light lunch on the left? Isn't it quaint? It looks like it might provide a reasonable midday pick-up to the tireless office employee. It's even packaged so well! Wax paper, clean container, the employee that brings this lunch into the office is obviously somebody that loves their body.

Oh, how adorable! This LIGHT lunch has a lovely wheat bread sandwich, multiple servings of fruit (we sure do need it!), and even a little chocolate treat included. *Sigh* Isn't this divine?

Even a heaping plate of any of these fruits would be considered office appropriate. I mean, the office DOES have a mini-kitchen, of course, but who would ever expect that their cubicle neighbor would bring in deeply frozen foods and canned goods to CREATE a freaking meal from scratch? Seriously. There has to be SOME kind of props I can give to Martina, the office deathwish, for creating entire meals out of a toaster oven and microwave, but I believe the annoying-"props" outweigh the eventual poundage of her meals. Here is today's: I scoured the internet looking for the most life-like images. And yes, this includes all four of the below images.

MMMMMM. A burger from Kentucky Fried Chicken. I'm sure that is a great idea to pair with your exceptionally large drink and other unrecognizable bread things in the back. Ohp! Don't forget to top it off with a can of chili and fries!

Great idea! A KFC Salad! Too bad you've eaten it after your first course, when it might have taken up some room in that fat factory. Oh yeah, I sure do appreciate you leaving your workings and dressings all over the paper cabinet. That's helpful.

Ahhh, because if a burger and fries just WASN'T enough--HERE is the main course. Work it. You eat all that Kentucky Fried Chicken? What's that? You're going to let this meal stretch for the entire afternoon?! Well, that's a much better idea than eating it all within two hours. Because I don't actually see how you could eat that much food in less than any remotely moderate amount of time.

Ohhhh, delicious. Leftover Office Party Homemade Ice Cream Cake. I know it was delicious. I myself had a piece, and also made sure to pick up the chunks of fallen cake that nobody else seemed to be willing to scoop onto their plate. Hell, I might've even considered licking the entire dish clean if we weren't in an OFFICE, and I didn't know that there is an APPROPRIATE LEVEL to the amount of food a person is allowed to consume in an office per day.
I hope your high blood pressure, clogged arteries, and diabetes taste delicious.


  1. Oh, the perils of the office lunch. There really is a fine line between office-class and office-crash.

    My job is particularly fond of the donut. They fill the conference room with boxes upon boxes of them, and then harass me when I polity turn them down in favor of my Luna Bar! I just want a little nutrition people, get off my back!

    slash donuts are delicious.

  2. Also, KFC is disgusting and I hope Kernel Sanders has to eat all of their powdery mashed potatoes and under seasoned baked beans until her EXPLODES.